RETURN TO HORROR HIGH

RETURN TO HORROR HIGH

The 1980s was a fine era for slasher movies; The Hellraiser, Friday the 13^th, and Halloween franchises all began in that decade.  Since I am not a fan of the genre, however, I never spent a significant amount of time watching them.  Not surprisingly, the decade also supplied scads of horror film parodies including: House, Student Bodies, and Killer Clowns from Outer Space.  I love a good spoof, so when I read a review of Return to Horror High that described it as a comedy, I decided to watch it and was not disappointed.  The plot of the film offers a story within a story of what happens when the cast and crew of Cosmic Pictures try to make a movie about a mass killing that happened at Crippen High School in 1982.  The cast showcases several familiar faces like George Clooney (in his movie debut), Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady from The Brady Bunch), and Vince Edwards (Dr. Ben Casey from the TV series) to name just a few of a rather long list.


The story opens on the grounds of Crippen High School with Officer Tyler (Maureen McCormick) telling police Chief Deyner (Pepper Martin) that all the members of the movie’s cast and crew are dead except for the writer (Richard Brestoff).  The chief can only see bloody sheets covering what appear to be dead bodies and asks Officer Tyler how many were murdered.  Her answer is that the victims number somewhere between six and eight, but the bodies are in so many pieces it’s impossible to say more.  The problem is exacerbated by the fact that some parts have been paired with the wrong corpses and that the school building, which has not been used since the original murders, has very little lighting.  When the writer, the only surviving witness, is asked what happened, he answers that they were making a movie, but he can’t remember what it was about.  


The next scene occurs on the movie set prior to the murders.  Oliver (George Clooney), who plays the part of the policeman investigating the original crime, gets offered a part in a television series and quits.  As he walks through the building to leave, he takes a wrong turn and gets lost in a long hall.  He hears the high squeal of wheels, sees someone up ahead, and calls to whomever it is.  When the person disappears around a bend, Oliver pursues him and is killed.  Meanwhile, because someone is needed to play the investigator, Steven Blake (Brendan Hughes), a real policeman who was a student at Crippen High the night of the slaughter, is asked to take over Oliver’s part.   


The next major scene is another flashback.  Big man on campus Richard Farley (Philip McKeon), the football team Quarterback, is bragging about his sexual prowess to a group of friends; one of them bets him that he can’t get anywhere with Sarah Walker, the lead cheerleader who is played by the cast’s leading lady Callie Cassidy (Lori Lethin), because she never puts out for anyone.  Not to be dissuaded, Richard asks Sarah out and when she turns him down, he threatens to carry her friend into the hall naked.  Thinking that he’s joking, she laughs at his silliness and accepts the invite.  They go out to eat but when the date is over, instead of taking Sarah home, Richard takes her to the woods make out.  Sarah refuses and Richard, who believes he should get something in return for the $17.50 he spent at the restaurant, starts to rape her.  Suddenly, a hand reaches into the car and stops the assault.  Turns out that rather than this being a flashback, it is actually part of the movie.


Steven and Callie take a liking to each other and go inside the school to look around and talk.  When they get to his old locker, the policeman confesses that Kathy Kastleman, the principal’s daughter, was his girlfriend and prom date at the time of the slayings.  Things seemed to be going well between them, so well he scratched her name inside of his locker and had sex with her after the dance.  The next day she went to her grandmother’s and he never saw her again. He and Callie wander into the principal’s office and run into a very sweaty Mr. Kastleman (Andy Romano), who has been occupying himself catching flies with his hands.  When Steven asks him where Kathy is, the principal responds that she is in graduate school.


In the meantime, unbeknownst to the film crew and actors, more people have been murdered.  One was decapitated, another disappeared into a sandbox, and a third was killed by the propeller of a motorboat.  No one has noticed because it is common in low-budget movies for people to just take off and be replaced by the actors who stay.  Callie, for instance not only plays the part of rape victim Sarah, she also portrays Susan, a new student who is sexually harassed by Mr. Birnbaum, the biology teacher.


Callie tells Steven that the number of missing actors and crew for this movie is unusually high, however, and she is worried.  They begin searching the school for those who are missing and come across a long blood smear which leads to the sandbox.  When he investigates it, Steven discovers a trap door that opens onto a set of steps which descend to an underground passage.  He and Callie follow it to the end and find a makeshift classroom.  Sitting at the desks are the mummified remains of girls in prom dresses.  Suddenly, the property’s janitor, Amos (Al Fann), rushes in and attacks Steven.  The two tussle and, as Steven grabs the top of Amos’ head, it comes off in his hand revealing that…


That’s as much as I’m going to divulge.  To find out what is going on with Amos and discover the solution to the movie’s other mysteries, you really need to see it.  Along the way, you’ll enjoy numerous gags like artificial breasts with exploding nipples, a bathroom stall that accommodates over a dozen people, and the murder of lecherous biology teacher, Birnbaum (Vince Edwards).  There is also the curious squeak of wheels that is heard before each murder which come from either a portable camera stand, the janitor’s mop bucket, or something else which the audience can’t see.   Maureen McCormick provides funny comic relief as Officer Tyler, who seems to revel in the gore as she becomes progressively more covered in blood in each of her scenes, often while chowing down on junk food.   


That’s all I have for now.  I will be back in two weeks to share one of my very favorite Steve Martin films,  A Simple Twist of Fate.  Until then, enjoy a bunch of flicks.